on love

Copied from my boyfriend's blurty account - dated Oct 5, 2003

Pardon the little rant from the previous blog entry. I guess I was just feeling the blues a bit last night. I guess it's the moody person that I am, being someone who could shift from euphoria to blah-ness in just a snap. I do wish I could feel somebody's love, but as I reflect on my life, I realize I keep so much love I could have given to others around me. People tell me I have a beautiful heart, overflowing with so much love to give.

Perhaps it's because of my many fears. I fear rejection. I fear loving only to fail again because of circumstance. You see, circumstance has played cruel jokes on me when it came to my previous relationships. It's just been that everything's been going well and all of a sudden, it's not okay. Before I had my second girlfriend, I suffered a huge trauma from my previous relationship. I feared giving myself to someone, and I feared commitment. My last relationship also left me traumatized, but to a lesser extent. I guess it's because I'm a stronger man now. But definitely, my journey to my faith in God has kept me from suffering pain as intense as before.

So I realized I need to give this love out. But I know I have to be careful of whom to give this love to. And I know He has somebody willing to stand up among a row of people who love me and say, "I can love this guy more than anybody else ever would."

When this would happen, I do not have the answer. Only He has the answers. For now, I pray for the strength to overcome the moments I feel un-loved.

And I say: I LOVE this guy MORE THAN ANYBODY else ever could. :)